Jenkins nails Tiger in parody

by

Sally Jenkins, Washington Post columnist

Tiger Woods’ statement about last weekend’s auto accident yields more questions than answers.  The ever-reclusive Woods, though, refuses to speak with state police investigators.

Fortunately, Sally Jenkins, the Washington Post’s talented sports columnist, offers Tiger’s ‘side’ of a story that is growing more bizarre by the minute. (Somebody who knows public relations, please, please speak to Tiger before he completely destroys his public image.)

In the column, ostensibly written by Tiger, Jenkins is able to mock Woods, sports fans, and society all at the same time.

Nevertheless, I understand the relentless curiosity about me, given my sacrosanct greatness and all I do for the good of humanity, and so I have decided to release a statement, on the advice of my agent, media consultant, personal blogger, sponsor liaison and attorneys. But rather than give this statement to the authorities, who somehow think they have real authority over me, I have decided to post it on my Web site, where the little men with badges can also find news, biographical info, statistics, audio and video clips, photos, and signature merchandise such as $75 drop needle polo shirts and washable wool sweater vests, as well as framed art, naturally of me.

Posting this statement is a grand concession, given my unique status, which let’s face it amounts to almost a kind of separate state power. That’s how different I am from the common people. I am really more like Cuba. Or the Vatican.

Like any journalist, Jenkins also seeks the truth – but she does so by allowing Tiger to ‘talk.’

Among the questions I will not be addressing, when I next appear in public, after my face heals:

Make sure what never happens again?

Why would someone need to smash the two back windows of an SUV with a golf club to get me out of the front seat?

Jenkins elevates several serious issues related to sports, media, celebrity and society (like how someone is allowed to circumvent the law just because they can hit a golf ball fairly well) in a very, very funny piece. Check it out.

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One Response to “Jenkins nails Tiger in parody”

  1. Matt Says:

    I’m just going to throw this out there since no one ever wants to discuss this topic:

    Kanye West has managed to shut his mouth on the whole Tiger Woods drama.

    Thank you Tiger!

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